Movie Review: The Blind Side

I have a rule: Don't see Sandra Bullock movies.

However, during one fateful Clippers-Grizzlies game, (the infamous "Haddadi-Borat" game, not the infamous "Blow a 20 Point Lead in the Fourth" game) NBA League Pass opted to show me the Clippers' broadcast over the Grizzlies'. When the Clippers announcers weren't offending Iranians, I learned that The Blind Side featured Grizzlies commentator, Sean Tuohy, whose family adopted NFL offensive tackle Michael Oher when he was a homeless high schooler.

Clippers Analyst Michael Smith during a November Broadcast: "You're sure it's not Borat's older brother?...If they ever make a movie about Haddadi, I'm going to get Sacha Baron Cohen to play the part."

At that point, I made a decision I would later regret to break my Sandra Bullock rule.

The movie may not be as bad as a typical Sandra Bullock movie, but it's also not as good as Oher's story deserves. The writing is cheesy (For example, the Democrat / Republican jokes), and the situations feel contrived (For example, Sean Jr teaching plays to Oher with condiments or Leigh Anne Tuohy instructing Oher during Football practice).

The Blind Side relies too much on cheap laughs and doesn't authentically convey either Oher's or the Tuohys' transformations (and it's not funny or moving enough to go the sentimental family comedy route. Both my girlfriend and my barber Jay said it was no Remember the Titans, and that's saying something.).

We do learn that when Tuohy is not adopting football stars or calling some of the worst basketball games in NBA history, he's operating about 80 fast food franchises. When Sean Tuohy Jr's explains why the family eats Taco Bell for free, Oher responds "Is that why he [Grizzlies Commentator Sean Tuohy Sr] never seems to work?"

Doesn't work? Apparently, Oher hasn't heard Tuohy transform a 20 point Grizzlies loss into Shakespearean poetry.

Once I realized the movie sucked, I resigned to hoping for references to Tuohy's night job, of which there were none. (Let me warn you: Don't attend The Blind Side hoping to play a drinking game where you drink every time there's a reference to the Grizzlies. You're better off watching Grizzlies games and drinking every time someone mentions The Blind Side.)

I also found it curious that no mention was made of Tuohy's struggle to stop Taco Bell employees from raiding the franchises' reserves of Star Wars Episode 1 memorobilia in the late 90s, but I guess they're saving that for the prequel.

This was a deadly combination for Tuohy in 1999.

Shane Battier Workout Video

Remember when Shane Battier played for the Grizzlies and it seemed like he was the hardest-working player and the only player that maximized his talent? Well, I caught up with Battier (AKA I filmed him without his knowledge) during his pregame routine before a game against the Warriors in Oakland. It turns out Battier has the most methodical workout (of the players I saw, including T-Mac, whose workout consists of shooting threes from the top of the key).

Here's Battier Shooting the Shane Battier Memorial Baseline Jumper:



I tried to get Shane Battier to sign page 45 of The Book of Basketball, but I didn't catch him before he returned to the locker room. Also, I was told by security that players would not sign a "hard" object like a book. Apparently, books pose an injury threat NBA players. The security guard did not see the comedy in this.

Here's Battier practicing his elbow jumper:



Here's Battier practicing his left-handed jump hook. See if you can spot Luis Scola:



And here's T-Mac, a few months before the Rockets trade him and/or banish him from the team:

Paging the Kemmons Wilson Family

I've proposed a few trades recently. (Who wouldn't prefer Monta Ellis over Rudy Gay right now?) But our best chance at turning around 9 straight seasons of failure (unless you count 0-12 in the playoffs as success) is changing the owner. We need a new owner who meets the following criteria:

• Worth a billion or more
• Ties to Memphis
• Passionate about basketball
• Is able to absord significant financial losses
• Is willing to let basketball execs make basketball decisions (within reason)
  

Unfortunately, I don't know anyone who qualifies personally, and the list of Memphis billionaires is short.

However, one name on the list jumps out at me: Kemmons Wilson.

I only met met Wilson once, when I was about 12, and I don't know any of his surviving sons or much about them.

Bob Wilson could play with his Cesnas while someone with basketball experience manages his basketball team.

However I do know these facts:

1. Kemmons Wilson left his sons assets worth about a billion dollars.

2. Spence, Bob, and Kemmons Jr. are all active members of Memphis area organizations, and married to locals. (Spence barely qualifies with a wife from Jackson, TN.)

3. Kemmons Wilson once owned a professional basketball in Memphis with Isaac Hayes when his sons were in their 30s.

4. Wilson Hotel Corporation already manages the most successful part of the Grizzlies, St. Jude's Memphis Grizzlies House.

St. Jude's Memphis Grizzlies House is associated with the Grizzlies and managed by the Wilson Family Business. Is that combo a fomula for success?

Are those three facts enough to guarantee that a marriage between the Wilsons and the Grizzlies would be successful or even that the Wilsons are interested? No.

Would Heisley listen if the Wilsons made an offer? Definitely.

Are Grizzlies fans desperate enough to stop the Wilsons in the street and beg them to buy the team? I hope so.

I am Thankful We Drafted Thabeet

At least I was for about 15 seconds last Monday. Then I remembered Tyreke scored 28 on us, and none of our players could guard him. That's when I stabbed myself in the left eye with a fork.

Agent Zero Trade Proposal

Before you say #1 "David, the Grizzlies have won 4 of their last 5. We should be celebrating instead of proposing trades." or #2 "Your Arenas trade proposal is idiotic fantasy and doesn't make sense for either team." -- Hear me out.

#1 Talk to me about how good the Grizzlies are when they're at .500. Until then, I'll continue to propose outlandish trades for my own amusement. So there.

#2. Here's why the trade makes sense (in my fantasy world).

For the Washington Wizards...

As Michael Heisley once said, "We can lose with or without Arenas."

The Wizards were supposed to bounce back from a disappointing 2008-2009 season with Arenas returning from injury this year. So far, they're one of the worst teams in the league, and $24 million over the salary cap.

Dumping Arenas for Memphis scrubs saves them ~$3 million this season when you factor in the luxury tax. Plus, ~$38 million would come off their books next June, and another ~$24 million the following June. Plus, they wouldn't be on the hook for Arenas' 5 year max contract.

With Arenas playing 15 games in the past two seasons, you can't tell me the Wizards aren't listening...

Too bad Wes Unseld isn't still GM. Come to think of it, I'm not sure if that would be good or bad in this scenario.

For the Memphis Grizzlies...

Here is the case against Agent Zero:

• The last thing the Grizzlies need is another shoot first, pass last player in their starting 5.
• The last thing the Grizzlies need is another shoot first, pass last player as their point guard.
• Did I mention he played 15 games in the past 2 seasons?
• Arenas turns the ball over a lot and rarely gets assists.
• Arenas is locked into the type of contract that Heisley avoids like John Gosselin avoids his wife.

I've almost talked myself out of this, but before I do, consider this:

1. The Grizzlies have admitted they can't attract big name free agents (for more than 3 games anyway).
2. The Grizzlies are building via the draft, but are terrible are evaluating draft prospects (see 2009 and 2007).
3. Therefore, if the Grizzlies want to get a quality player, they need to take a chance on a down-on-his-luck-player with All-NBA pedigree and a team desperate / stupid enough to make it happen.
4. Gilbert Arenas fits that bill.
5. He's also a slight upgrade over Mike Conley at point guard.

So there it is. There's my outlandish trade proposal for the Thanksgiving holiday. If not Monta, then Agent Zero. Please comment below and let me know how I'm out of my mind.

Some Good News

Normally I don't write about individual games. But with all the recent negativity, I want to highlight what was easily the best game of the season.

More than in any other game I've watched, the Grizzlies played like a team rather than a group of individuals. It showed on defense where this season's worst offenders, Rudy Gay and OJ Mayo, were focused on staying in front of their men and everyone made an effort to contest shots.

And it showed on offense, where the team:

1. Ran offensive plays. (I almost forgot what it was like to see an offensive play.)

2. Made a concerted effort to feed Gasol and Randolph. (Multiple times on some possessions)

3. Minimized one-on-one play (Gay and Mayo stood out in their efforts to avoid this.)

I have never seen Gay focus like this and let the game come to him. I hate to use that cliche, but that's really what he did. In the first half he focused on defense, and he didn't force his offense.

Other positive notes include:

1. Marcus Williams looked comfortable at the point. I wouldn't be surprised if he has a butt injury soon.

2. Sam Young and DeMarre Carroll minimized mistakes and focused on their rolls.

3. Even Hasheem Thabeet looked like he knew what he was doing.

4. Marc Gasol is making a case for team MVP. Does he have what it takes to be the vocal leader the Grizzlies need?

We shouldn't blow one game out of proportion. There's still reason for concern:

1. Mike Conley

2. Too many unforced errors

3. They were playing against a lottery team with two injured starters and an injured 6th man.

In a season that's already become one of the Grizzlies' most embarrassing, this was an early highlight.

Updated Ellis Trade

With Stephen Jackson traded, Kelenna Azubuike out for the season, and rumors that Monta may want out, I have adjusted my proposed trade.

The key of the trade is that the Warriors move into rebuilding mode by getting $12 million off the books within two seasons. Second, the Warriors, in desperate need of bodies, can turn one player into multiple players. Third, the Grizzlies can sweeten the deal with money and a first round draft pick this year (or two). Fourth, the Warriors might be crazy enough to do it. Fifth, the Grizzlies can interchange several other players if the Warriors aren't satisfied with these. Sixth, the Grizzlies would never do it because it means they take on money long term.