Movie Review: The Blind Side

I have a rule: Don't see Sandra Bullock movies.

However, during one fateful Clippers-Grizzlies game, (the infamous "Haddadi-Borat" game, not the infamous "Blow a 20 Point Lead in the Fourth" game) NBA League Pass opted to show me the Clippers' broadcast over the Grizzlies'. When the Clippers announcers weren't offending Iranians, I learned that The Blind Side featured Grizzlies commentator, Sean Tuohy, whose family adopted NFL offensive tackle Michael Oher when he was a homeless high schooler.

Clippers Analyst Michael Smith during a November Broadcast: "You're sure it's not Borat's older brother?...If they ever make a movie about Haddadi, I'm going to get Sacha Baron Cohen to play the part."

At that point, I made a decision I would later regret to break my Sandra Bullock rule.

The movie may not be as bad as a typical Sandra Bullock movie, but it's also not as good as Oher's story deserves. The writing is cheesy (For example, the Democrat / Republican jokes), and the situations feel contrived (For example, Sean Jr teaching plays to Oher with condiments or Leigh Anne Tuohy instructing Oher during Football practice).

The Blind Side relies too much on cheap laughs and doesn't authentically convey either Oher's or the Tuohys' transformations (and it's not funny or moving enough to go the sentimental family comedy route. Both my girlfriend and my barber Jay said it was no Remember the Titans, and that's saying something.).

We do learn that when Tuohy is not adopting football stars or calling some of the worst basketball games in NBA history, he's operating about 80 fast food franchises. When Sean Tuohy Jr's explains why the family eats Taco Bell for free, Oher responds "Is that why he [Grizzlies Commentator Sean Tuohy Sr] never seems to work?"

Doesn't work? Apparently, Oher hasn't heard Tuohy transform a 20 point Grizzlies loss into Shakespearean poetry.

Once I realized the movie sucked, I resigned to hoping for references to Tuohy's night job, of which there were none. (Let me warn you: Don't attend The Blind Side hoping to play a drinking game where you drink every time there's a reference to the Grizzlies. You're better off watching Grizzlies games and drinking every time someone mentions The Blind Side.)

I also found it curious that no mention was made of Tuohy's struggle to stop Taco Bell employees from raiding the franchises' reserves of Star Wars Episode 1 memorobilia in the late 90s, but I guess they're saving that for the prequel.

This was a deadly combination for Tuohy in 1999.